Music To Renovate Your Kitchen To...

Soft Cell will always and forever be known as "That Tainted Love Band" and rightly so. That song is amazing and if you think otherwise, you are a moron and should be put to sleep. Like so many other one hit wonders, they fell into obscurity and most of their other albums/ singles have found their way in dollar bins across the globe.

This 12" single featuring less known "hits" Bedsitter and Facility Girls has an ummmm... interesting cover. Both band members are wearing what I am sure was high fashion at the time staring off into the nothingness of their existence as they ponder kitchen utensils and crockery.  When they were thinking of album art when did the idea to hang knives, spatulas, spoons and saucepans come into play?  "So yeah dude... I was snorting lines as big as baby arms with Warhol and Debbie Harry last night when I had this idea... Wait for it... Frying pans... Just let that sink in... And not just frying pans... All sorts of shit from the kitchen... A meat cleaver... Maybe some pots... A couple spoons... A big knife and shit...  I know, right... Your mind is blown...Totally fucking genius!!! "

These are the things I wonder about. I think about what could other people possibly be thinking when they allow themselves to be photographed in such a manner. Did they know that the future was eventually going to be a reality and that they would have friends and family look back on this event and have unlimited material in which to humiliate them? I am glad they never thought that far ahead... LOVE THIS COVER!!!


I need to go to Castlemilk...

While out wandering the streets of Glasgow yesterday, I came across a wonderful little charity shop called The Brittannia Panopticon Music Hall.  As far as junk shops go, this is the best one I've seen so far in Scotland.  They had everything. Toys, books, vintage clothing and a solid collection of bad album covers.  The prices were a tad high for my liking so I just grabbed a few Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons postcards.  6 for 2 quid.

As I was paying, I began to chat with the older woman behind the counter.  I told her that I loved her store and we began talking about music.  I mentioned this blog you are reading now and as soon as she heard that I collect terrible album covers, she scurried in the basement, left me alone in her store with other customers (who decided that it was my job to help them find what they were looking for) and didn't come back for like 5 minutes.  Normally, I would have left but something told me she was digging for gold in that cellar.

She returned wearing a "Behold... I have brought to you the greatest ridiculous record cover in all of Scotland" smile.  As I looked on in a state of euphoria/ disbelief, the magnitude of such a record sleeve began to sink in. I tried to make sense of everything that was happening not just on the sleeve but in my mind. So politically incorrect.  So classist. Almost racist. It was in a word... GLORIOUS.

"The Peg Legged Kiltie Coalman From Castlemilk" is a 7" masterpiece from Billy Gordon and the Sunset Trio. Part cabaret singer/ part comedy, this record is now a centerpiece of my ever growing, bad album art collection. I am not sure I will find another trophy such as this in my Scotish vinyl safari but scoring this record has already made my UK hunt a success. 

A big thank you goes out to the lovely lady at The Brittannia Panopticon Music Hall for not just finding this record for me... but for giving it to me for FREE!!! Score!!!


Fashion Panther

Every once in awhile there is a man. A man of discerning taste whose sense of fashion makes whatever everyone else is wearing irrelevant. He makes us feel like hobos who have not changed our boxer shorts for a month. This man, certainly the type of man of whom Ray Davies once sang about as a dedicated man of fashion, looks so fucking good he is basically Zeus personified. This man, ladies and germs, is Mr. Abie.

The glasses... He was Thurston Moore before Thurston Moore. The hair... Fuck you, Tom Jones. This is the proper way to style your mane of luxurious spun silver. The suit... The trimming says "Yeah, I likely boned your mom" while the 747 wing sized lapels say "Screw you kid... You wish I was your dad."  I am not even going into the bow tie. I mean honestly... what can I say about something so perfect, so immaculate that I am sure if Jesus ever came back to Earth, he would wear this and only this...

Mr. Abie was a popular radio host in the 1970's who died of throat cancer completely broke.  An interesting bit of trivia... Recently, his two sons killed a man they had mistakenly thought hit their mother... She just fell and cut her cheek. Honest mistake...


Back In The Good Old Days...

"Lady and the Champ" is a Scottish stand-up album from Hector Nicol. Although I am not familiar with his comedy stylings, the guy sure knows how to grab my attention with his cover art.

Sporting a beauty of a fake black eye and a drunken smile, Mr. Nicol looks to be in the mood for some violent lovin'. He is wearing well worn boxing gloves and I can imagine him saying, in his best Andy Capp impersonation, that his wife (who looks exactly like Mr. Nicol in terrifying drag) is about to get it... And by it, I mean beaten like egg whites.

His wife, whose expression is one of "Nooooo, not again... You're so menacing" sarcasrm, looks like she has been through this drunken tableau before... Possibly daily... Her truck stop waitress uniform is likely stained with years of tears and gravy but you can tell she is no pushover.

I am not condoning spousal abuse. I think its a plague that needs to be eliminated from modern culture.  I AM condoning hilarious album covers that insinuate such horrific violence.  When collecting bad record covers, you need to have a broad sense of humour and overlook past social norms that today are seen as archaic and barbaric (but still funny... REALLLLLLLY funny)

Here's Scotland!!!

Hello from the land of whisky, bagpipes and more whisky!  I am here in Scotland for the next little while and since I don't have real life and other writing commitments to hold me back, this blog will be getting more attention that it has in the recent past. So far Scotland has been a treasure chest of terrible album covers.  There is a wonderfully ridiculous record store just minutes from where I am staying in Glasgow that basically specializes in album covers that amuse me. I could have walked out of there with dozens of gems that I would have gladly added to my ever-growing collection of hilarity but I had to pace myself... I am here for awhile. No need to go overboard in my first week...

This vinyl beauty featuring traditional Scottish tunes caught my eye basically because of the title "HERE'S SCOTLAND" and all it had on the cover was bottles of booze. I am not one to toss around stereotypes but if the Scots are willing to push that envelope, then who am I to complain. Yes... Here IS Scotland in all of its alcohol soaked glory. Wonderful folk songs like "The Ollaberry Two-step" and "An Eriskay Love Lilt" are perfect for an evening with friends and a stomach pumping at the local infirmary.

I have only been in Scotland for a few days but already I am seeing how pub culture and booze play a part in everyday life. Having a pint at lunch, a glass of wine at dinner and a bottle of whisky before bed is as common here as hockey, bacon and beavers are in Canada. I am not saying everyone in Scotland is an alcoholic... Some of us are tourists...