One Sentence Reviews...

I have been buying bad album covers faster than I have been able to write about them. I can't throw a stone randomly into the air in Scotland without it coming down and hitting a shitty abum cover. Its basically heaven but with neds and some suspect cuisine.  So for your viewing pleasure, may I present.....
Album title... 'Close Personal Friends'... I think he has overstepped his friendship boundaries with this one...

I hear Clyde the Ape had sexy relations with Clint's mistress...

I would have prefered it if it were called "Obituary"

"Music for Celebrating Special Occassions and Party Dances... And My Funeral... Because I am going to fucking shoot myself in the throat after hearing this..."

"Brenda... I'm gonna punch you in the mouth..."

These guys and gal are travelling at LUDICROUS SPEED!!!

"Hey Willie... You seen my tooth?"


1977... The Year Everyone's Trousers Went Retarded


 I understand that the 1970s were a different time. I know that fashion changes not just from year to year but from week to week. These are facts that have not eluded me but gazing upon this album cover I have to ask myself what the fuck were people thinking in 1977???

I am sure the Bay City Rollers were flying high around this time in Glasgow and everyone wanted to look/ act/ talk like these fashion icon rockstars but seriously...

These accordian wizards, who were already established as Eddie Van Halen-esque squeezebox prodigies, could have worn anything and the Ceilidh groupies would have thrown their wrinkled flesh at them yet they still chose to don matching outfits that make Arnold Palmer look like Lady Gaga.

And the album title!!! HOT STUFF! If you could not see the album cover and only heard the artist's name, album title and year of release you would think that the Currie Brothers were some Cleveland-based soul/ funk duo... Not two plaid trouser wearing, dumb smile flashing, "my mom cuts my hair to save money" hair-do sporting teens from Scotland. HOT STUFF? I am not sure I would consider this album HOT STUFF even if I where an Irish Catholic priest with record player and a bottle of lube.

The Currie Brothers are still hanging around Glasgow and still rocking the accordians.  They are available for weddings/ events and can be contacted through their website at www.curriebrothers.com  I am not sure if they still wear the same clothing as they did in 1977 but I would pay extra if they did.  This is a rock solid keeper in my ever growing collection of hilariously tragic album covers.


Music To Renovate Your Kitchen To...

Soft Cell will always and forever be known as "That Tainted Love Band" and rightly so. That song is amazing and if you think otherwise, you are a moron and should be put to sleep. Like so many other one hit wonders, they fell into obscurity and most of their other albums/ singles have found their way in dollar bins across the globe.

This 12" single featuring less known "hits" Bedsitter and Facility Girls has an ummmm... interesting cover. Both band members are wearing what I am sure was high fashion at the time staring off into the nothingness of their existence as they ponder kitchen utensils and crockery.  When they were thinking of album art when did the idea to hang knives, spatulas, spoons and saucepans come into play?  "So yeah dude... I was snorting lines as big as baby arms with Warhol and Debbie Harry last night when I had this idea... Wait for it... Frying pans... Just let that sink in... And not just frying pans... All sorts of shit from the kitchen... A meat cleaver... Maybe some pots... A couple spoons... A big knife and shit...  I know, right... Your mind is blown...Totally fucking genius!!! "

These are the things I wonder about. I think about what could other people possibly be thinking when they allow themselves to be photographed in such a manner. Did they know that the future was eventually going to be a reality and that they would have friends and family look back on this event and have unlimited material in which to humiliate them? I am glad they never thought that far ahead... LOVE THIS COVER!!!


I need to go to Castlemilk...

While out wandering the streets of Glasgow yesterday, I came across a wonderful little charity shop called The Brittannia Panopticon Music Hall.  As far as junk shops go, this is the best one I've seen so far in Scotland.  They had everything. Toys, books, vintage clothing and a solid collection of bad album covers.  The prices were a tad high for my liking so I just grabbed a few Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons postcards.  6 for 2 quid.

As I was paying, I began to chat with the older woman behind the counter.  I told her that I loved her store and we began talking about music.  I mentioned this blog you are reading now and as soon as she heard that I collect terrible album covers, she scurried in the basement, left me alone in her store with other customers (who decided that it was my job to help them find what they were looking for) and didn't come back for like 5 minutes.  Normally, I would have left but something told me she was digging for gold in that cellar.

She returned wearing a "Behold... I have brought to you the greatest ridiculous record cover in all of Scotland" smile.  As I looked on in a state of euphoria/ disbelief, the magnitude of such a record sleeve began to sink in. I tried to make sense of everything that was happening not just on the sleeve but in my mind. So politically incorrect.  So classist. Almost racist. It was in a word... GLORIOUS.

"The Peg Legged Kiltie Coalman From Castlemilk" is a 7" masterpiece from Billy Gordon and the Sunset Trio. Part cabaret singer/ part comedy, this record is now a centerpiece of my ever growing, bad album art collection. I am not sure I will find another trophy such as this in my Scotish vinyl safari but scoring this record has already made my UK hunt a success. 

A big thank you goes out to the lovely lady at The Brittannia Panopticon Music Hall for not just finding this record for me... but for giving it to me for FREE!!! Score!!!


Fashion Panther

Every once in awhile there is a man. A man of discerning taste whose sense of fashion makes whatever everyone else is wearing irrelevant. He makes us feel like hobos who have not changed our boxer shorts for a month. This man, certainly the type of man of whom Ray Davies once sang about as a dedicated man of fashion, looks so fucking good he is basically Zeus personified. This man, ladies and germs, is Mr. Abie.

The glasses... He was Thurston Moore before Thurston Moore. The hair... Fuck you, Tom Jones. This is the proper way to style your mane of luxurious spun silver. The suit... The trimming says "Yeah, I likely boned your mom" while the 747 wing sized lapels say "Screw you kid... You wish I was your dad."  I am not even going into the bow tie. I mean honestly... what can I say about something so perfect, so immaculate that I am sure if Jesus ever came back to Earth, he would wear this and only this...

Mr. Abie was a popular radio host in the 1970's who died of throat cancer completely broke.  An interesting bit of trivia... Recently, his two sons killed a man they had mistakenly thought hit their mother... She just fell and cut her cheek. Honest mistake...


Back In The Good Old Days...

"Lady and the Champ" is a Scottish stand-up album from Hector Nicol. Although I am not familiar with his comedy stylings, the guy sure knows how to grab my attention with his cover art.

Sporting a beauty of a fake black eye and a drunken smile, Mr. Nicol looks to be in the mood for some violent lovin'. He is wearing well worn boxing gloves and I can imagine him saying, in his best Andy Capp impersonation, that his wife (who looks exactly like Mr. Nicol in terrifying drag) is about to get it... And by it, I mean beaten like egg whites.

His wife, whose expression is one of "Nooooo, not again... You're so menacing" sarcasrm, looks like she has been through this drunken tableau before... Possibly daily... Her truck stop waitress uniform is likely stained with years of tears and gravy but you can tell she is no pushover.

I am not condoning spousal abuse. I think its a plague that needs to be eliminated from modern culture.  I AM condoning hilarious album covers that insinuate such horrific violence.  When collecting bad record covers, you need to have a broad sense of humour and overlook past social norms that today are seen as archaic and barbaric (but still funny... REALLLLLLLY funny)

Here's Scotland!!!

Hello from the land of whisky, bagpipes and more whisky!  I am here in Scotland for the next little while and since I don't have real life and other writing commitments to hold me back, this blog will be getting more attention that it has in the recent past. So far Scotland has been a treasure chest of terrible album covers.  There is a wonderfully ridiculous record store just minutes from where I am staying in Glasgow that basically specializes in album covers that amuse me. I could have walked out of there with dozens of gems that I would have gladly added to my ever-growing collection of hilarity but I had to pace myself... I am here for awhile. No need to go overboard in my first week...

This vinyl beauty featuring traditional Scottish tunes caught my eye basically because of the title "HERE'S SCOTLAND" and all it had on the cover was bottles of booze. I am not one to toss around stereotypes but if the Scots are willing to push that envelope, then who am I to complain. Yes... Here IS Scotland in all of its alcohol soaked glory. Wonderful folk songs like "The Ollaberry Two-step" and "An Eriskay Love Lilt" are perfect for an evening with friends and a stomach pumping at the local infirmary.

I have only been in Scotland for a few days but already I am seeing how pub culture and booze play a part in everyday life. Having a pint at lunch, a glass of wine at dinner and a bottle of whisky before bed is as common here as hockey, bacon and beavers are in Canada. I am not saying everyone in Scotland is an alcoholic... Some of us are tourists...


Billy Walker: Sex Symbol

Aside from collecting terrible album covers, I am also somewhat of a cowboy shirt aficionado.  I own about a dozen vintage shirts and wear them all the time. I don't think I own a beauty like this though...

Just look at him... Looking all majestic/ creepy in his Freddie style neckerchief. The shirt gloriously yelling "Look at me, world. I am one sexy fucking cowboy and I am ready to  impregnate some farm girls!" And don't even get me started about those painted on trousers... SPLOOSH.

Even the horse looks like he is ready for the stud pasture. Just a man and his horse and his rose patterned blouse roaming around the desert, singing of lost loves, guns, guitars and outlaws. I imagine a lot of lonely nights, campfires, star filled skies with no company around for miles... just the horse... that muscular, well groomed horse. Yes, I am sure Mr. Walker and his trusty stallion were close friends.

I scored this record at an amazing junk shop in the small town of Bruce Mines, Ontario.  The owner, Mike, was a great guy who had some amazing records to go along with a jam packed warehouse of lost treasures. Check him out on facebook at Mae-Ger Treasures and if you are ever in the area, stop by and stay the hell away from the records... Those are mine...


Let's Go To Church!!!

So as many of you, my loyal readers, know I am fascinated by religious album covers.  For something that is supposed to show faith and loyalty to an omniscient holy being, the Christian zealots who release this stuff sure seem to choose the absolute weirdest looking mooks to do it.  I know Jesus was supposed to be a loving and forgiving diety but no one, not even Jesus, could forgive these guys for wearing these turtlenecks/ sweater vest combos.  WOW! And let's not let the lady off the hook either... "Hello? Wardrobe director of Little House On The Prairie? Did some blond Christian woman singing about the glory of God happen to steal Nellie Olsen's dress?"
I found this gem at a Value Village for $1.49.  I almost fell to my knees and screamed PRAISE JEBUS!  This is actually a holy grail of bad album cover collecting.  Its on a few sites dedicated to such things.  I am not sure what the monetary value is on something this terrible/ awesome but it was certainly worth the cash I laid down for it.  I mean come on... Look at those polyester trousers!  you could cut a $2 steak on those pleats!  Amazing!!! 


Jay's Favourite Band

Yes... This is certainly an album cover that fits the bill as a "bad" album cover.  But in 1984 when Morris Day and The "Muthafuckin'" Time (A shout out to Jay of Clerks, Mallrats, and other Kevin Smith movies fame) released this monster, they were some bad ass purveyors of funk.  They may look ridiculous in hindsight but these dance demons from Minneapolis were the shit back in the day.

Back in late 1980, Prince (yeah... THAT Prince) decided to form a band to serve as an outlet for material that was reminiscent of his early tracks so he could focus more on experimenting with new genres and symbol based names.  The Time was this band.  Prince may have held their hand at the beginning but with Morris Day, Jellybean Johnson, Jimmy Jam and the likes recruited, The Time soon became a solid funk army in no time. 

Most people remember them from the movie,"Purple Rain" and their catchy as hepatitis track, "Jungle Love."  Or well... most people don't actually remember them at all but if you do remember them, chances are its from either of these two things...

Now on to the suits/ hair... I will never say a bad word about Morris Day.  That pimp had style.  More arrogant than a three term Republican senator, Morris Day could pull off any suit.  The rest of the band, well, that is another story all together.  Look at the Jheri curled dude in the pink suit!  Seriously... Dude... White boots?  Who the hell do you think you are? Dale Evans? And the little white kid with his orange pin striped Zoot Suit!  Go back to grade 10 and study your chemistry.  You have a test next Wednesday!

"Ice Cream Castle" may have you laughing at the fashion of the day and possibly convince you to never give it a chance musically but this album is a stone cold jam.  Cover to cover.  What time is it?  A quarter past FUNK!


I need to grow a killer moustache...

Growing up, I was always surrounded by moustaches.  It was the late 70's and everyone wore a cookie duster.  It was a right of passage for most young boys entering manhood.  And the thicker, more lush the lip weasel, the more likely you were to succeed in life, as well as with the ladies.  Moustaches were simply THE TITS!

But somewhere along the line the dirt squirrel fell out of favour with men and certainly with females.  In the 80's, the preppy look took over and flavour savers became a facial fashion faux pas.  Moustaches were viewed as things pedophiles and porn stars wore.  It was a sad day to be one who rocked a womb broom.

But in the new millenium staches have made somewhat of a comeback.  Movember is fast becoming a huge deal in countries like Canada, Australia and the UK.  Gone are the days when mothers would shelter their children whenever they saw a lip rug.  They had once again become fashionable... or at least socially acceptable.

This record, from 1980 (the salad days of face furniture), displays some incredible Kentucky lip cozies.  Look at that mandolin guy??? Freddy Fender has nothing on that lush lip toupee.  And the banjo player??? He looks like he could strain a pint of milk out of that beauty!

I haven't even listened to this record but I know I would love it.  Three staches, a goatee and one sad little dude without a trace of face fungus could not make a bad album.  Its basically impossible. The album is called "For Our Friends" and by the looks of all their pals in the background, I can assess that they surrounded themselves with fellow misplaced eyebrow aficionados because they realized the awesome power staches hold.  A smart career move on their part.  I salute you, Dixie Flyers, for reminding me of the good old days when lip spinach was almost a necessity if you wanted to get laid! 


Basically the only reason I buy jazz records...

As I have stated numerous times in previous posts, I am not a fan of jazz.  There are a few exceptions but as a rule, I like jazz records about as much as I like the Kardashians.  In my eyes, they are both a plague on society and should be eradicated.

But there is one thing I love about some jazz records.  The incredible cover art.  This LP from Bud Freeman with vocals by The Demarco Sisters has beautiful artwork. Vibrant colours.  Abstract forms.  Perfect fonts.  This is one of my favourite covers of all time. 

This particular album came from the box of records my aunt bought for me for two bucks that I had mentioned a few posts back.  Most of the box was filled with crap but there were like five or six keepers.  This one, which is actually worth like $40-50, deserves more than being placed on a shelf.  I might actually frame it and hang it on my wall. 

I cannot find a signature or a name of the artist but I would pay some serious cash money to find more work by him/ her.  If anyone knows the artist, please contact me. 

Post Script... After a listen, there is one track on this record that I actually dig.  Its called "The Atomic Age" and its a stone cold jam.